Trouble with tradition
Friday, October 30th, 2009
Be it tradition at the company you work, the family you were born into, the city you grew up in, the school you studied in, your friends’ circle, your career, the vehicle you drive, the clothes you wear. Everything is steeped in tradition. Over time, traditions turn into pseudo-rules. They’re not written by anyone, anywhere, but you’re expected to follow them nonetheless. Because that’s how things are “supposed” to be.
If you are a graphic designer, you’re supposed to be creative, you’re supposed to dress funky, you’re supposed to have crazy deadlines, you’re supposed to have clients who want the logo bigger and you’re supposed to be used to almost everyone treating your profession as second class pretty-boy work. Male graphic designers – at least in the country I live in – are considered somewhat of a joke – obviously always behind their backs. Female graphic designers are supposed to the “homely” kind who aren’t supposed to protest when a male client asks them over for a meeting and proceeds to invite them to Lonavala for a weekend getaway. They’re supposed to smile meekly and say yes while accepting the cheque.
If you’re getting married, you’re supposed to be doing the Big Fat Indian wedding. The seven circles round the so-called sacred fire, the traditional 9-yard long sari, the choreographed sangeet – one from the groom’s side and one from the bride’s side, the reception with nothing less than a 1,000 people on the guest list, the alcohol on the menu, the exorbitant wardrobe shopping for not only the bride and the groom but the immediate family – stocked with designer couture that they will wear only once. INR 62,000 for a Ritu Kumar lehenga to be endured [ you can't wear it without scratching and cutting and bleeding your skin in hundreds of places because of the ridiculous zari work and other embellishments ] for precisely two to three hours on the day of the wedding.
You have to be fucking kidding me. She’s never EVER going to wear it again. And don’t go on about how it’s a sacrifice for the most important day in your life. I’m divorced. I know how important that day is. And I’d much rather invest the INR 8,00,000 that the parents insist on spending on ONE day of the wedding into some mutual funds or just fucking put it in a simple bank account or fixed deposit – it’ll take care of the rent for the next +4 years. Wouldn’t parents be happier if the bride and groom can live peacefully for four years without having to worry where the rent’s coming from? Especially when the parents themselves had no money when they got married and were turned down by so-called family when they wanted to borrow money to purchase a refrigerator?
A thousand people will come for the reception, eat like pigs without any appreciation for the food because as the hosts, we would not have paid any attention to the food ourselves. When there’s a thousand mouths to feed, you don’t think about how many spices you can taste in the food – you tell the caterer to cut costs and kaam chalao. The next morning all that food is anyways going to be flushed down the toilet.
Just because it is tradition and a billion other people follow it with their eyes, ears and mouths closed, does not mean it’s right for me – or right for them either. But I’m not really concerned about the billions. I’m concerned about me. When law and order cannot prevent the rape of a woman on the streets in the national capital city, what fucking right does anyone have to pressure me into what career I can choose or how I can get married or what car I can drive and what clothes I can wear?
I love my family but in no way does that mean that I have to be their clone. If they expect that, they should get their heads checked. I do as I please and I live for me. Just as they did and continue to.
I generally don’t read. Infact, I love not reading. I am sure you would be least bothered of my reading habit. This information was just to highlight the fact that I still read your post as something took me into it. Maybe it was the office that helped me, or the fact that you were talking of tradition that I felt reading about.
Nice post… though I differ from you in some aspects.
I am not 100% agree with you that we should break the tradition; Its seems like you are breaking the tradition because you don’t like it and again you are following the tradition of “breaking the tradition”. The message you are throwing in society because you want to create new tradition; and that’s the way human grow. So change the treading for better tradition.
Thirty years from now:
Kid: I wanna blog anyway I want!
Grandfather: Don’t get cheeky with me boy! When I was your age we used to proof read our blog posts before posting and tag it properly.
Kid: I hate you!
Damn right. Well said. I hope you are going to invite and put pictures up as well!
LMAO
My instant reaction after reading your comment was how many places had I screwed up my spelling. Then I thought you were making a profound point – like proof reading, tagging – these are traditions too. Then I thought, no matter how much I think, till I ask you to clarify, I’m not going to get it anyway 
I don’t know about the invitation – at the courts they don’t encourage a large crowd
And there might not be much of anything else. I will do a small thingie at home for sure and you’re invited whenever it happens!
It’s quite alright – you don’t have to agree with anything I say – this is my blog and I blog for myself. As for tradition, the only tradition I follow is “my tradition”, which can be anything. The only internationally accepted tradition I think I follow is called “Love”. And I’m throwing no message to society – I don’t give a rats ass about society.
Of course I’m very much concerned about who reads what and who leaves what comments! So thanks Mohit for taking the time to read and to leave a comment. Very kind of you. And nowhere do I say or even indicate that any of my readers have to agree with anything I say. We’re all different and living is celebrating those differences!
I have been through this myself. But gradually, anger made way for pity.
Tradition has an economic benefit. Thinking doesn’t come to us naturally and therefore represents a cost. (Usability experts know this and use this fact in their design.) The problem is, these so-called best practices and traditions become outdated very fast and then following the tradition becomes too risky and the negatives start outweighing the possible gains.
So, I don’t find it strange that most people are hopelessly stuck to outdated traditions. The problem arises when they expect everyone around them to stick to the same. Things would be so much better if they just let us live the way we want.
I understand the shift from anger to pity – as long as pity doesn’t involve me having to let go of my way of going through with my career or my wedding, I don’t care. But if pity involves me having to do stuff the way it’s ‘supposed’ to be, I’m happier keeping up appearances of being an arrogant bitch. I understand the economic benefit part of tradition as well – that’s what the thing we call ‘society’ is built on – it’s a survival cost – we have tribes because being alone represents weakness in nature. Unfortunately, evolution causes such rapid change that it’s impossible to pin down any one rule as a constant – the adage that ‘Change Is The Only Constant’ is the only one I believe is a fact. But for most people in society, closing their eyes, ears and mouths to facts is the easiest and least painful way to go through life. Bah. I kept the post short on purpose else I’d lose track of my thoughts and it would turn into a rant – now I feel like I’m ranting in the comments. Thanks for the cogent thought Nilesh – gave me some more to think about!
I can very well relate to the particular situation of marriage. No, I am not married, one day would like to be, but definitely not in the way that the society dictates.
I was quite firm in my “way” until a friend suggested that the girl might not be like me and I can’t take her “joy of marriage” away from her. What then, she said.
Then comes the question of how far our “non-tradition” can go against the “love” we have for that person.
Most often, families take advantage of emotional weight that we carry, often leading to “emotional blackmailing”.
If we can break out of that blackmailing, can we then be guilt-free from the consequences our actions can cause?
Ah. Compromising based on love is different. Besides, you also might have to think about the fact that the girl and you might not have the same values – if she wants a full-scale wedding and you don’t. Why do we want a full scale wedding anyway? To show off? I’m much happier taking all that saved cash and taking an awesome trip around the world with the man I love and am going to spend the rest of my life with. Wedding bashes are just show offs. If we want to include our friends in the celebration and happiness, we can always arrange a dinner and cocktails at home – but THAT we don’t do because that involves a deeper commitment – throwing a reception is easier because we don’t have to interact with everyone who comes. You’re right about the emotional blackmailing – it sounds worse than the Ekta Kapoor serial dialogs
Are you talking about the guilt caused by defying parents? I have no guilt whatsoever – it’s quite simple : they lived life the way they wanted, with their set of self-imposed restrictions. There is no reason whatsoever, that when you love someone, you need to be their clone, have the very same values and beliefs etc. – just because my parents believe something, even thought I love them to bits, it does not mean that I must also believe the very same thing. We’re all unique and more than being parents, they are also human beings – prone to errors and mistakes. I’m not saying that my way it right – all I’m saying is that I should have the right to choose – THAT should be a no brainer.